What’s that contract that’s gone down the pan, is it a Monster, is it a Monster?

Oops you did it again!

Oh Iain, I’m gutted. My dreams of becoming a pirate, a pole dancer or a porn star are fading fast if today’s Guardian article is anything to go by. It states you are planning to scrap the Universal Jobmatch website.  http://www.theguardian.com/money/2014/mar/16/dwp-jobs-website-universal-jobsmatch

I simply can’t believe it Iain, to me it looks legit. I mean take this paragraph from the Guardian’s article:

The government has drawn up plans to scrap its official jobs website, Universal Jobmatch, after recognising it is too expensive and that its purpose is undermined by fake and repeat job entries

But then what do the Guardian know? That quote could quite easily describe you and your CV and look how well you’ve done, you’re a bloody success story. To be honest I think it’s a result of poor journalism, clearly some of the adverts they are suggesting are fake are indeed real job opportunities and job-seekers should be snapping them up by the boatload. Talking of boatload, here’s an example:

Job description: To sail the seven seas, fighting mainly but not exclusively the Spanish and French. This varied and exciting role includes a free sword and parrot, the opportunity to travel, a tax free income and free rum. Working with highly committed team, the right candidate could become 1st mate very quickly. Additional benefits such as own ship and crew may be possible after probationary period You will need: the ability to go “Arrgggghhhh” a lot and continue to function if your right leg is replaced with a wooden stick, along with a positive mental attitude the right candidate must be able to carry out duties such as keel hauling and planking walking, demonstrate a full knowledge of 1st 5 verses of “what shall we do with the drunken sailor”. We are particularly interested in hearing from people who have replaced their hand with a hook or a missing an eye.
Remuneration: the role of Pirate meets or exceeds the UK minimum wage. Will be paid monthly in doubloons “Pirate 4 U” is an equal opportunities employer. Time wasters need not apply as we are only interested in talking to serious pirates. To apply: place CV in a bottle and throw in ocean towards the north English coast.
Located in UK-Yorkshire-Bradford. This is a Full time position. Advertised by SolarWorld  (Travel, transport and tourism). Salary quoted as 10,000.00 – 100,000.00 per year Various bonus.
Now for goodness sakes, what the Hell is wrong with that advert? Bradford-By-The-Sea is a lovely place to work. It’s an ideal job for some poor sod straight out of a WCA and totally encourages the disabled to apply. To be honest what other job can offer it’s employees a tax-free income and free rum? (unless you’re an MP of course)
The guardian piece also tells us that Frank Field MP is now asking the National Audit Office to investigate the site which he described as “Bedevilled with fraud”. While they are at it can they also check out this website too as I’ve no doubt many items listed here could be described with the exact same phrase.   http://www.parliamentary-standards.org.uk/SearchFunction.aspx
Seriously though Iain, it’s just one thing after another, scam after scam, lie after lie and failure after failure. That’s not the UJM I’m talking about it’s you. Well here’s the rub, the tide is turning and you and your lot will be held accountable. So when that time comes I hope you do find that pirate job, Freud enjoys his pole dancing and McVey (unless she wants to sail the seven seas with you) has fun back on the telly with her XXX Vids.
pirates of atos

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